TOPIC 1
Do you feel that this
is a worthwhile thing to do or do you feel children have enough education at
school?
Give reasons for your
answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, not only adults are getting busy with hours and hours
working but also do the school-age children, who have to spend lots more hours
on studying than their parents did before. As the fact that extra classes now
become an acceptable education norm for many countries around the world,
especially Asian schools, children now have to struggle much more nerve-racking
problems with them than society can ever imagine.
Firstly, attending too many extra classes on weekdays and even
the weekends leads to the lack of time for kids. As a result, they don’t have
enough time to relax by taking up an interesting hobby such as learn how to
play an instrument or playing popular sports which can improve their physical
health as well as their mental health. In addition, due to the lack of time,
kids are no longer hanging out with their friends or taking part in any outside
activity.Hence, their ability to communicate with others and the lack of social
skill now become serious issues for parents when raising their kids.
Secondly, the expectations of parents on their children
put the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be
always at top of classes and get insanely high scores for every test. According
to some researchers, over-studying doesn’t make the kids become more
intelligent or smarter, however, attending too many extra classes such as maths
or science subjects can cause children’s cognitive impairment especially for
young kids for example, kindergarten and primary school students due to a large
amount of time focusing, lacking sleep and being stress. Furthermore, extra
classes normally provide theoretical lessons which are mostly the same with
compulsory classes while teenagers need more particular skills, for instance,
critical thinking, time management, etc.
In conclusion, governments and parents should join hand to
create educational systems which are more practical, creative and stress-free
environment for their children and extra classes should be banned and
substituted by soft skills classes instead.
Written by Dieu My Tran Thi
Corrected Essay
Nowadays, not only adults are
getting busy (busier) with hours and
hours working but also do the school-age
children, who have to spend lots more
hours on studying than their parents did before. As the fact that extra
classes now become an acceptable education norm for many countries around the
world, especially Asian schools, children now have to struggle much more
nerve-racking problems with them than society can ever imagine.
·
Nowadays,(time
expression should not be the first word or phrase of a paragraph it should be
added in mid or later in sentence)
·
lots (is an
informal word)
·
do the (wrong grammatical)
·
Above bracketed are the ground lines which do not make any sense
here in introduction as these are somehow quite general.
·
Introductions paragraph must not mention details out of prompt
given.
·
It should be specific and concise to the prompt
·
This introduction did not respond to the questions in the topic
(do you feel that this is worthwhile…?)
·
No clear thesis sentence is mentioned which shows a clear path
of the essay.
·
Wrong grammatical structure of (not only….but also).
Firstly,
attending too many extra classes on weekdays and even the weekends leads (lead) to the lack of time for
kids. As a result, they don’t have get enough time to
relax by taking up an interesting
hobby such as to learn how to play
an instrument or playing popular sports which can improve their physical health
as well as their mental health. In addition, due to the lack of time, kids are
no longer hanging out with their friends or taking part in any outside (outdoor) activity ies. Hence, their ability to
communicate with others and the lack of social skill now become serious issues
for parents when raising their kids.
·
Firstly (use
an introductory phrase instead not the sequence)
·
taking up (avoid
phrasal verbs having multiple meanings)
·
Hence, their ability to communicate with others and the lack of
social skill now become serious issues for parents when raising their kids. --> This last sentence is
contradiction because topic sentence mentions lack of time and this sentence
discusses skills with no relevant link.
·
This paragraph has limited topic sentence which sometimes
contradicts to the supporting or closing sentences.
·
It has grammatical errors in verbs, preposition, wrong words
such as (outside activities)
Secondly, the
expectations of parents on from their children put
the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be always at
top of classes ranking and get insanely
high scores for every test. According to some researchers, over-studying doesn’t
make the kids become more intelligent or smarter, however, attending too many
extra classes such as math or science subjects can cause children’s cognitive
impairment especially for young kids for example, kindergarten and primary
school students due to a
large amount of time focusing. Due to the
Focus on study for large amount of time, lacking sleep and being stressed. Furthermore, extra classes
normally provide theoretical lessons which are mostly the same with compulsory
classes while teenagers need more particular skills, for instance, critical
thinking, time management, etc…
·
Secondly (this connector should introduce paragraph not to sequence)
·
however (this connector should be in opposite ideas not in two same ideas)
·
Secondly, the
expectations of parents on from their children put
the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be always at
top of classes ranking and get insanely
high scores for every test (this topic sentence has no clear link with the given prompt by
examiner. (It should be related to
the last sentences mentioned in the prompt)
·
This ending sentence of paragraph does not have any link with
the main topic or topic sentence mentioned.
·
No proper coherence and cohesion devices are used.
·
Slight grammatical mistakes are noticed in this paragraph.
In conclusion, governments and
parents should join hand hands to create such kind ofeducational systems which
are more practical, creative and stress-free environment for their children
and extra classes should be banned and or substituted by soft
skills classes instead.
·
governments (no
new words or ideas are allowed if they are not mentioned earlier in main body)
·
Conclusion should always be the summary or mentioned points in
main body and introduction and should be the suggestions on the basis of
aforementioned ideas not the direct ideas.
·
Conclusion should also have a clear topic sentence which is not
here.
·
Some extra unnecessary words are used which change the meaning
of the text in this last paragraph.( environment, instead, government)
Overall: 5
·
Task Response: 5
✓ responds to the
task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential; the format may be
inappropriate (This essay did not
completely respond the prompt or the main theme of the topic.).
✓ presents a position
but this is unclear (Introduction
does not fully paraphrase the prompt or topic which later creates problems and
contradictions in the thesis and topic sentences).
✓ presents some main
ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or
not well supported
·
Coherence and Cohesion: 4
✓ presents
information and ideas but these are not arranged coherently and there is no
clear progression in the response (There was no flow of the topic technically among the paragraph).
✓ uses some basic cohesive devices but these may be inaccurate or repetitive (No connector or transitions are used properly which can promote one idea to the other idea. Some connecting devices are used inappropriately).
✓ uses some basic cohesive devices but these may be inaccurate or repetitive (No connector or transitions are used properly which can promote one idea to the other idea. Some connecting devices are used inappropriately).
✓ may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing
·
Lexical Resource: 5
✓ uses a limited
range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task
✓ may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader
✓ may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader
·
Most of the words are repeated except some.
·
Limited words are used.
·
No synonyms or antonyms are observed but still conveying the
message.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
✓ uses only a limited
range of structures
✓ attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences
✓ may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader
✓ attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences
✓ may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader
·
Many grammatical errors are observed and are marked which reduce
the band level.
·
No variety in grammatical structures is observed.
·
There are limited complex sentences.
